Friday, November 7, 2008

A Hard Day Today

Today has been hard. I feel really bad, weak. I think my kidneys are acting up again. My legs are swollen and my hands. I just got to stop my Arenesp injections a month ago and I feel like my H&H is low again. This is how I felt when they found out that my kidney problems is causing me not to produce enough red blood cells. It is these days when I think, you crazy woman, there is no way you can carry a baby to term. But then I do have my good days and I think hey maybe I can do this. All and all though, anymore, I am having more bad days than good. We are looking into becoming foster parents, that process is in the works, who knows maybe we will end up finding the baby god meant for us to have that way. I have mixed emotions about the pregnancy, my husband does not want me to do it at all, unless the docs give the ok. I agree with him, if the doctors doesn't say they think I can do it, I won't, I wouldn't want to risk losing another baby. I lost my first baby at 5 months gestation when I was alot younger, and had not been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis yet. I don't want to go thru that again. I still live everyday with the hole that is left in my heart from losing her. Her name was Annastasia Danielle. She died shortly after birth, she was just too premature, even by today's standards. She would be 19 years old this year. I think of her often, but it isn't as bad as it used to be, now it is holidays and her B-day. Maybe someday I will see her again. I made a call to the doc an hour ago, I have to go in Wednesday for bloodwork and probably restart my injections. I must say, I feel so much better when I am doing the shots. They are safe for pregnancy too, I have already done the research. Hope everyone is having a great day. I guess the real update will be November 26th, when I see the high risk doc, I also see my CF doc Dec. 17th. I will definately update then.

3 comments:

Niels and Alexander said...

Hi Rebecca,
We haven't decided yet on which clinic to use, we have to choose between Rotunda and SI. What went wrong between you and the Rotunda clinic?
Thank you for taking time to answer this questions and best of luck to you.

Regards,

Niels

Becca said...

Niels,
First of all, there are no "choices of surrogate", you are sent a profile of your surrogate, they chose for you. Second, the doctors were not very compassionate. Third, we had to sign a blank surrogate, IP contract, then the surrogate was supposed to sign and we get our copy, we never seen a signed surrogate agreement. I wasn't happy at all finding out I wouldn't be sitting down in a room together with my SM and her husband, signing this contract and knowing they are fully on board. My husband and I wonder if we even really had a surrogate at all. My doc has been working with me for 2 years on and off, with Clomid and IUI's, when I was having my healthy times. I have always had normal labs, normal u/s and normal egg reserve. My cervical mucus is extra thick due to my Cystic Fibrosis, so that is why we were doing IUI's. I would always have 4 or more eggs with the minimal amount of clomid. We actually cut back to half dose so I wouldn't produce so many. I had a total of 5 IUI's. During this time I became very ill and went in for IV therapy and as a result, got severe kidney damage. So that is when my RE recommended Surrogacy. Now the Indian docs may have been right and my eggs were all no good, but my doc here doesn't believe it and if my health continues to improve we are going to do one procedure to find out for sure if my eggs are such poor quality and I have no reserve. Actually, when they found that it was that bad, so they say, I responded so poorly, the cycle should have been cancelled, I was told all my follicles was empty. Then the embryologist emailed me her report that said 2 follicles aspirated 2 eggs retrieved. I was like, huh? So then they sent me a picture of the one embryo that survived to day 2, and told me it was grade c. But they transferred it anyway, so no refunds. Well I further asked why my embryo was graded so poorly and she writes me and says because it is multinucleated. I have researched and if you follow the links to the right about grading and embryo quality, look at all the pics and you will see the embryo should not have been transferred. Now I don't know, I just feel things could have been done alot differently...Go back and read some of the older posts, they contain actual emails from the docs. Let me know anymore specifics. Follow me for future updates. I see the specialist on November 26th for the APPROVAL. I am anxious to see how my next cycle goes.

Hope this helps,
Rebecca

R and S and Family said...

Hi Rebecca.
We are from oneinsix. It is where I spotted your link to your blog.
RICHNSARZ.

We were meant to be doing our Surrogacy with Dr Patel almost 12 months ago to the day in 2007.
On the way to India I got DVT and have spent the last year trying to get better.

We just got our new start date as the last week in May 2009.
I look forward to reading your posts and keeping up with your journey.

I hope we can be of some support to one another over time.

Hugz from us here in Oz.

I Would Die For That