Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mixed Emotions

I am so happy to be here another year with my husband. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that my health is as good as it is, it could be worse, alot worse. I am grateful to be building my beautiful new house that seems will never get finished. I am grateful for my beautiful yorkie named Cory, if ever I am sad he curls up to me and comforts me, he is my "hairy" baby. He always greets me with so much love and happiness, it always makes me happy to see him. Yet I am so sad. Sad that I am going to have to face that I am not going to have a baby in my life. One of my own. I have always clung to hope, hanging on to it for dear life. Hope has kept me going, kept me sane. I always would think you have lots of time, still time, you're young. Now reality is setting in. I am 35 years old, with a terminal illness, alot of people I know have not been as lucky as I and have already passed away. I don't want to die and I don't want to live without having my baby. I have always thought it will happen this time, and every month goes by and nothing. I took out loans and charged up credit cards to attempt surrogacy only to have my money taken by people who don't know what they are doing. I had so much riding on my surrogacy attempt, I just knew this is it, finally I am going to be a mommy. Just for more heartache and letdown. I find what I went thru at Rotunda was cruel and unusual punishment. That is a whole other story. Now I face trying to raise what seems an impossible amount of money, although a beautiful soul donated to me $10. I am starting on the scarves and am working on the cookbook. My mom wants to start selling dinners again but that is so hard and I really can't say it is worth it in the end. We took out the loans for the surrogacy and now can't get a loan to finish our house. They said it really didn't cause us not to be able to get the loan for the house but it hurt us alot. We maxed one of our credit cards out and took out another pretty large loan to pay for everything, so it is nearly impossible to get a loan to complete the house. I sucks so bad because it is so close, it looks complete from the outside, but it is just boards inside. Some plumbing, some wiring....not livable. I hope this year is a better year, I am going to do everything in my power to make it better, for time is ticking away. How much time, who knows, how do any of us know, but as for us with CF time and future hangs over our heads like and anvel waiting to drop. I feel like I need to hurry hurry hurry, or time is going to run out.

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I Would Die For That